the water.

So that's how the trip started.
With a hopelessly disconnected feeling I just couldn't shake.

From the moment Rachel & I arrived on the Hawaiian island of Oahu, my mind was overwhelmed, and my heart couldn't feel a thing.

The mountains, the trees, the beaches, the water: all of it.
I wanted to touch it.
I wanted to feel it.
I wanted it to touch me.
Why wouldn't my heart be moved?!
I was in the most incredible place-- on what was supposed to be the most freeing adventure!-- and my heart wouldn't wake up and join the party!

The excitement of Friday's arrival had been all so abruptly halted by a black hole in my heart that seemed to expand the further we followed the road, leaving my eyes wide-- not in wonder, but in fear.

Fear.
The numbness grew.
My heartbeat slowed.
And my mind raced.

I had hoped that I would wake up Saturday morning feeling much more like myself and ready for a day of exploration.  Unfortunately, as I stood in the early morning light on the Banzai Pipeline shore, I could see that nothing had changed.  I couldn't shake the heavy feeling that darkened my heart and clouded my eyes.

It was somewhere in the midst of that moment that I heard myself utter the thought aloud:

I wish I could be out there surfing those waves...

But that was utterly ridiculous.

I needed a place to sit.

I needed my journal.

I needed to escape into my sacred place with GOD and beg for HIM to do something.

Anything.

I had noticed some boulders further down the beach that looked like an ideal place to settle down and slip into my safe haven, so Rachel and I wandered away from the growing crowd of tourists, climbed the rocks, and busted out the ole journals.

I don't know how to absorb it all, GOD.

What would it be like to be a surfer out there?

It looks terrifying to me..

I paused, taking some time to stare out at the water.  I intentionally slowed my breathing and started softly singing the prayer-song "Oceans."  Each exhale was a released plea. It was like I was tossing out a line, praying GOD would take hold of it and pull me into HIM.

Suddenly HE had my attention.

It was like HE snapped HIS fingers and I was now seeing a different picture.

YOU call me out upon the waters…

Peter's waters weren't calm.

They were stormy.

Scary.

Big waves.

He could have drowned.

But YOU were there.

How great YOU are…

(and I giggled as my imagination painted a silly picture)

JESUS, did YOU look kinda like a surfer?

The comical moment there with HIM had broken something.

A chain was loosened enough for the bold spirit in me to begin stirring again.

Open my heart to feel this, I prayed.

Please.  With a fullness.

Deep deep deep.

Please LORD.

Settle me.

Help me dwell in YOU here.

I felt a tug on my heart.

HE had taken hold of the line! 

HE had heard my pleas!

And HE was pulling me in, calling me out into the waters.

My mind was immediately at war.

Thoughts frantic, insecurity and fear trying to convince my body not to follow the pull.

Stay on the rocks.

The water's too rough.

There are people around, you are going to look crazy.

But my spirit had tasted the freedom and the call was too clear.  Before my mind could catch up, my hands were dropping the journal and my legs were lifting me, moving me.  My eyes were fixed ahead.

My thoughts had no choice but to surrender.  

It was no use, HE had broken me out of the prison.

I was free.

As soon as I felt the waters on my feet, the tears came.

In that moment of freedom, the ache of my heart was finally given a voice:

LORD, I am so tired of being stuck on the sidelines.

It's scary, but my heart will die if I have to stay here any longer.

Get me in LORD, I cried. 

Ankle deep in ocean water, sobbing, I let HIM hold my heart and pull me close.

I AM drawing you in, HE spoke to me.

I AM leading you out, taking you deeper.

You aren't on the sidelines anymore.

As I looked ahead, further out where the waves were huge and the surfers were practically dancing on them, HE spoke again to my ache.

You aren't there yet.

You're not ready or equipped.

But you are further than you were before.

I created you to participate with ME.

Do not fear. It's not hopeless.

Look how far you've come.

It's funny; I don't remember walking that much further, but the water had gotten a lot deeper.  The rising tide was bringing rushing water, back and forth, back and forth.  I could feel the undertow.  It was strong, at times trying to pull me in two different directions, but I wasn't afraid.  My core was solid and my feet were steady, anchored in the sand.

Before I knew it, I was soaked.

And I was squealing like a five-year-old girl.

I like to think GOD started playfully splashing me.

(We were there to have fun, right?)

What had been a very tearful moment was transformed into quite a hilarious sight!

And the joy….

Oh how the joy flooded my soul.

So that's how the trip really started.
On a Saturday morning at the beach.
With a hopelessly disconnected feeling I just couldn't shake.
And with a SAVIOR who is in the business of loosening chains and setting captives free.

(And that was just the first morning...)