nothing is missing.

That's it.
That's the trap.

The realization shook me alert.

I've not been home from work long.  It's the first day of my new job-- a job for which I am so so grateful.  As Daniel sits leaned forward in his recliner, fervently untangling some Statistics homework, I've settled into the quiet with my new book that came in the mail today.  The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Suzanne Stabile.  I'm only on page six, but here is where it happened.  Here's where it found me, the answer to my question.

What is the trap?

----------------------------------------------------

Brian Privett was leading our prayer time after the lesson yesterday at The Light.  I sat, reflecting, listening to his words.  He shared a picture, an image of different individuals caught in a bear trap.  Am I trapped in any way, LORD? I wondered.  And as I sat, eyes closed, heart searching, it was as if I could feel something wrapped around my right ankle.  Is this my bear trap?  I could sense the tug in my spirit, an understanding of an entanglement in which I hadn't previously been aware.  My foot is caught in a bear trap, and I've been stuck, walking in circles.  But what is the trap?

Is this for real, LORD?  Is this really a word for me, or am I just making it about me right now? 

Jenna, you can hear things and not be stirred.  
You can ask and not be moved.
You know how it feels when I AM speaking.

And I realized it was true.
Something has been holding me back.
And even in my movement, I've not really been getting anywhere.

But what is the trap?

I asked, but the answer didn't come.

----------------------------------------------------

You could say I've been a student of the Enneagram for over a year now, consuming literature and podcasts, learning how to use this tool that, even as a novice, has served me well.  In February 2017, after taking a couple of quizzes that weren't quite accurate, I began reading The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery and found that I am, without a doubt, a Four.  My deepest desires are to be known and understood, to be seen for who I really am.  I am complicated and unique and moody. (The moody thing makes me cringe, but we all know it can be true...)

A couple days ago I posted a picture with a quote from Ian Cron's Typology Podcast.  It was something he said at the end of Episode 40, featuring a panel of Fours.  "Nothing's missing.  Everything you need to be happy is here right now.  It's not out there in some distant future."

His words resonated with me.  

So I quietly laid them out on my letterboard. 

A reminder I knew I needed.

----------------------------------------------------

"Fours believe something is missing in their lives, and they won't be okay until they find it."  

That's what I just read on page six.

That's what I'm stuck in!!!

It's not even that I feel like something's missing, it's that I believe I won't be okay until I figure it out! 

Until I find it.  

Until I become it.  

Until they see it.  

My heart beats loud even as I type this.

It's as if every cell of my being is begging me to pay attention -- don't miss this!!  And my searching spirit just got a taste of the water and it wasn't enough to satisfy my thirst but it turned me around and reminded me what really will.  

You are enough.

Nothing is wasted.

Here, be free.

----------------------------------------------------

You know, it's funny.

My word for the year is contentment.

Perhaps HE has only just begun to show me what that means....

contentment.

Contentment.
What a word.
A confusing concept.
Such a challenge.

Present moment peace & purpose.
That's the definition I've settled on.
Can't be attached to circumstance.
Or status.
Or the illusion of security.

Must be anchored elsewhere.
Or else it will become a noose.

A life-giving, life-breathing contentment...
Peace & purpose in whatever the present may be 
is only found when anchored in HIS Presence.

Why is this so clumsy a process?
Trusting HIS provision for paths ahead.
Refusing the temptation to rush ahead,
Resting in the now.
The good, the hard, the confusing.
To count it all joy...

This is the call.
The invitation.
I accepted HIS offer.
It seems I have a lot to learn...
Grateful for my ever-faithful GUIDE. 

the kiss.

A week had passed since that first date/hangout of ours.

I'd been at the Q conference in Nashville most of the week, so we made plans to get together after Sunday night's youth event.  Well, that little rendezvous had to be rescheduled due to a pretty traumatic ER visit for one of our teens.  Dodgeball was not our friend that night.  I was not leaving that waiting room until I was sure everything was okay and there was nothing I could do to help the family, so meeting Daniel wasn't an option.  Thankfully everything was fine, and the injury was far lesser than it could have been.  (I love you, Micah!!!)

Since Sunday night didn't work out for another hangout, Daniel and I decided to get together the next night.  Well, that didn't end up working out either.  Tornadoes.  Or at least a severe threat for them.  We tried to figure out a way that we might still manage meeting up, but ultimately it was decided that we wouldn't be idiots, and we would just try again the next evening.

Tuesday.  Finally a free night with no disaster in its way!  It was still pretty rainy, so we decided that Daniel would come to my apartment and we could hang out there.  He wanted me to fill him in on all the things I'd heard at Q Nashville.  No big deal.

Well, people, I'd recommend not choosing your home for the setting of a second date/hangout.  It. is. awkward.  You aren't close enough to actually be comfortable with each other, so simple things like where you sit all feel incredibly unnatural.  I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I had my notes from the conference at the dining room table.

Here's how the evening went:

He came in.
Awkward hug.
I walked to the table.
We sat down.
I shared notes.
Felt like I was rambling.
He was quiet.
I was boring.
It all felt very disconnected.
Very.... well... not good.

I was certain that any interest he'd had was completely lost that evening.

Much to my surprise (and by surprise I mean absolute shock), I still received another message telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he would love to do it again soon.

What?!?

So that weekend we found ourselves at Big Spring Park once again, walking circles around the thing. I was a little more guarded that night.  Nervous.  Hesitant.  But very intrigued.

The next week I felt my fears rushing in.

Wednesday night we had gone to a movie after church.  Bless his heart, he let me pick the movie and it was a major disappointment, yet he never spoke a negative word about it.  He never made me feel dumb, which I truly appreciate about his character.

That night, he made his intentions known to me.
He was really enjoying spending time with me, and he wanted to continue getting to know me.  He had been praying a lot about it, and he wanted to see what would happen if we pursued a relationship.  He told me that he didn't know what would come of it, but even mere friendship with me would be a blessing in his life.

I was speechless.
Absolutely dumbfounded.
For the first time, the guy had actually initiated the relationship conversation!
And I didn't know what to say!

I believe my response was something like:

Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you too...
And I'd really like to keep getting to know you...
But... maybe let's not rush this thing... 
No titles..
No pressure..
No expectations...
Maybe we keep it on the down low...

My words turned over again and again in my mind, and my anxiety increased.

It's a vulnerable thing, to let someone into your world like that.  And to have someone see you like that.  To choose you.  To desire you.  Romantically.  And for me, it felt especially vulnerable to let someone into my world...

My world was a world with a couple thousand eyes on me.
I had an audience.
An audience of teens.
Of their parents.
Of co-workers.
Who are mostly men.
Who are church leaders.
People I know who know me.
People I know who don't know me.
People who would recognize me, but I wouldn't have a clue.
People.
Lots of people.
With all their eyes.
And all their minds drawing conclusions from what they see with their eyes.

I'm uncomfortable in front of an audience in this way.
To have this audience watch me be chosen.
Watch me be wanted.
Watch someone see me in a way I so deeply wanted to be seen...
It felt weird for this audience to see me being seen in that way.

I can make myself crazy with all my overanalyzing fears and assessments of how to balance responsibilities and personal life.  How to be what I need to be for the sake of those watching, yet not become enslaved to perceptions.  How to simply be free to walk as HE calls me, in the way that most honors HIM, dictated by this audience of ONE, not the audience of everyone.

That, and I was scared of not being enough.

Once Daniel really knew me, would I be enough?
Pretty enough?
Fun enough?
(whispering cause it makes me nervous to say it.. Sexy enough?)
Or would I be too much?
Too strong?
Too bold?
Too outspoken?
Too spiritual?

Thankfully I found myself sharing all these fears with my good friend, Kristen, the next afternoon as we were waiting to go in for a show choir performance at Huntsville High.  She listened, and then she spoke some powerful Truths to me.

She reminded me who I am.
What GOD says about who I am.
She reminded me that I am so much more than a physical appearance, but an entire being.
She pointed out the things that Daniel seems to be finding attractive about me-- the very things I was fearful might be too much.
She spoke Light into the shadows of fear that threatened to spook me into hiding.
And Peace returned to my timid heart.

After the concert, I met Daniel at the movies.
This time we saw Spiderman 2.
He held my hand.
And I left with butterflies in my stomach and peace in my heart.

That next weekend I was with my family in Cleveland for Mother's Day.
I kept these unfolding events to myself just a little longer, considering them.
Weighing them.
Seeking clarity.

And as the weekend ended, I knew I wanted to see what was going to come of this.
I wanted to know Daniel better.
I wanted to be around him more.
I wanted to see.

When I got back to Huntsville that afternoon, Daniel picked me up and we went to Ditto Landing, walking a different park before the sun started to set.  Then we drove around talking, learning more and more about each other.  We ended up at the Challenger playground, continuing our conversations on the swing-set, pausing only to explore the rest of the playground equipment and try out the monkey bars.  That is until the police came by to inform us it was too late to be hanging out there. Oops!

Daniel was so much fun!
He let me be silly, joining me in the playful moments.
He was sincere, sharing sweet stories that showed his love for his nieces and nephew.
He was kind and gentle, and I felt safe with him.
My spirit felt at rest.

We watched a little bit of Narnia at my apartment until it got late and he needed to leave.

We walked to the door.

We said our goodbyes.

And then he leaned in to kiss me.

And it was perfect.

It wasn't reckless or rushed.
It wasn't too much.
Or awkward.

It was sweet.
And gentle.
And guarded in a sacred way that made me feel so cherished.

This was really happening...

the secret date.

His prayers were with me in Hawaii.

And I knew it.

He wanted to get together and hear all about the trip.

So he said.

But I was still skeptical.

I didn't want to get my hopes up, you know?  I had no idea whether this quiet guy whom I hardly ever actually saw in person was going to follow through with his Facebook-message-words.  Sometimes it seems like people just say that-- "Let's get together soon!"  You know?  Maybe he didn't mean it.

And then I thought about how I mean it when I say it, but I also sometimes hope the other person will do their part and bring it up again and let me know that they really meant it when they said they'd want to get together...

Ugh.  I did not want to be the one to initiate.
But he had started this whole thing.
What if he was waiting on me?
And what if I said nothing and missed out on getting to hang out with this guy that had me so intrigued? (though I dare not admit it out loud!)

Four days had passed since Daniel had sent me a little birthday message that had sparked quite a long Facebook conversation that had ended with him saying he would check his schedule and we would make a plan...

My hope had started to fade when a message popped up on my screen that Thursday afternoon.
Seeing it, I jumped to attention.

It was a message from Daniel!
My face suddenly felt very warm, and I casually got up to close my office door so no one would come in and find me blushing and giddy, trying to figure out how to reply without sounding too eager or too nonchalant.  You have to find the perfect balance of the two, right?

We both had pretty busy schedules.  Between his work schedule and a softball game, my family coming to town for Easter weekend, and me leaving for Nashville that Tuesday evening, the weekend was pretty jam-packed.  Were we going to be able to make some time?  Or was this thing going to be delayed and end up never happening?  You know what they say: timing is everything...

Well wouldn't you know it, there wasn't a softball game Sunday night after all!
He messaged me to let me know he would be free that evening and the date was set!

Now let me point out the fact that this was in no way being called a "date" at the time.
We were just getting together.
Hanging out.
Talking.
Friends.
This was no big thing.
No big deal.
Nothing out of the ordinary.

We knew our "when" but not the "where," so I casually suggested we make a plan.
(This makes me laugh because, at the time, I didn't know this was the beginning of a pattern.  I'm definitely the one who prefers to have a game plan set.)

His response made me smile:

"Haha.  Yeah that would be a good idea.  What do you like to do?  We could get coffee like everyone else does, or we could do something different and have fun...  The weather should be perfect to do something outside.  We could go downtown and walk around the park or something like that.  What do you think?"

How fun is he?!
Sunday evening.
7pm.
Big Spring Park.
We had a plan.

The weekend came, my family arrived in town, and we had a great time together, as usual.  I don't remember exactly what we did, but I do remember sitting around in Karissa & Kyle's apartment that Easter afternoon getting all the more anxious as time passed and the family showed no signs of preparing for departure.  What was I going to do if they stayed later into the evening?!  I'd assumed they would head out around 3 or 4.  How was I going to slip out without having to answer a ton of questions?!  (Because no, I didn't happen to mention any of this to any of them at the time...)

Hey...  So what time are you guys leaving today?  Not trying to rush you, I just have plans this evening and am going to have to slip out in a little while..

"What do you have going on tonight?"

Oh no.
They asked.

Uh...... nothing.....

Which of course prompted them to press further, assuming (accurately) that this awkwardness meant there was a boy involved.
How was I going to get out of this?!

Well, I straight up lied.

In the midst of all the brainstorming of what I might be up to and all of my flustered denials, Karissa asked if I was hanging out with some people from my Sunday school class.  It was an easy out, and I took it.

Yep.  You got me.  That's what I'm doing... haha... I'm just being weird.. ha.
(insert nervous laughter and a quick subject change...)

I know.
Lying isn't good.
And I apologized later and filled them all in.
But in that moment, I needed this to be my thing.
It felt big.
It felt significant.
And I did not want to admit that out loud and set myself up to look foolish on top of all the disappointment that would come.

Because as much as failing hurts, it hurts so much more when people watch the fall.

And I don't know if you realize this, but as a single female youth minister at a really large church, there are a lot of people watching.

And that. is. terrifying.

So I kept it all to myself.

I drove towards the park, spastically speaking all my fears out loud to the LORD.
And then HE sweetly reminded me:

Jenna, it isn't about success or failure.
It isn't about whether or not there's a medal at the end of this race, or a ring.
(HIS parallels to the marathon weren't lost on me.)
It is about stepping up to the door I lead you to and being brave enough to encounter what's on the other side, whatever that may be.

Yes.

GOD had already taught me not to fear.
HE had freed me from that, and I'd just gotten back from a most incredible adventure where HE so clearly revealed what HE could do in me if I would simply trust HIM and take each step forward.

I remember turning the corner and seeing Daniel sitting on a bench outside the art museum.  I remember when he saw me.  He stood up, walked toward me, and greeted me with a hug.

I remember being so caught off guard by the tall, handsome, quiet, shy-seeming man hugging me.  And as we walked around the park talking, he continued to surprise me.

His spiritual insight.
His chattiness.
The way he'd playfully touch my arm.
Like old friends, but with an electricity to it that startled me every time.
(Isn't that how you can tell if someone likes you?!?!)
The way he heard me.
It was more than listening.
He heard me.
And when I talk about me and GOD and our adventures, I don't always feel heard.

We walked circles around that park and soon realized we'd been walking and talking for a couple of hours.

It was getting late, so Daniel walked me to my car.
He was parked further away, so I offered to drive him to his truck.
We said goodbye, and I drove off.

Before I even got home, he had messaged me.
We were going to hang out again.

Something was happening.

It was just going to take me a little while longer to fully figure it out...

speaking of Daniel.

As I tell our story, I am all the more aware that my eyes can only see most so dimly...

Maybe sometimes the fog is a covering to seal something off, keeping it safe so it can come into full bloom...

I remember sitting in the passenger seat of Robin's suburban outside of the church.  I told her how I had wrestled and prayed and pondered over whether I should consider moving.  I told her how I was confident that I needed to stay... To have faith enough that even here...

She listened, nodded, and then asked me:

"Jenna, is there anyone in Huntsville that you are interested in or that you could even somewhat picture yourself dating?"

Out of nowhere I heard myself speaking:

I've always thought Daniel Bell is real cute.

And then, startled by what I was saying, I rambled on, I mean, I don't know him at all but he seems really nice and I really like his beard but I doubt he is interested in me and I don't even know him.

Well Robin got really excited by this!  You see, she is very close friends with Daniel's sister-in-law, Lindsey, so of course she wanted to see if she could tell Lindsey what I had said.

I told her I didn't mind if she told Lindsey.  I figured they would giggle about it and maybe Lindsey would say something to Daniel and then it would be awkward because I was certain he wasn't interested in me, but I never really interacted with him anyways, so what would that even matter, right?

Go for it.

Well imagine my shock when, days later, Robin pulled me aside to tell me how Lindsey had responded.  Apparently I was a topic that had come up between Daniel and Lindsey before... Apparently Daniel thought that I was beautiful but way out of his league. What?!?

I'm not gonna lie, I felt the stirrings of crazy in me a little in that moment, especially when I thought about how we had been Facebook messaging back and forth a little bit.  The interactions were mostly about my blog and stuff, but he seemed to have been the one to initiate the little conversations, so maybe he was interested?  Maybe?  Honestly, I had gotten myself a little excited about it all.  Then Robin told me that she didn't know this for sure, but he might possibly be dating someone.  Immediately all the crazy came to a halt and the rambling began once more:

Ah, well, it doesn't really matter.  I mean, I don't even know him. I don't know if I'd really want to date him.  We probably have absolutely nothing in common and it would never work anyways.. No worries!

(Oh that resilient defense mechanism of mine...)

A very short-lived illusion of potential.

Or so I thought.
(GOD is pretty sneaky sometimes.)
And life continued on as usual.

Now when I say as usual, it makes life sound a little uneventful and mundane or something.  Quite the contrary!  I was actually in the middle of my crazy little adventure preparing for the North Shore Marathon in Hawaii.  (I wrote about my marathon experience here.)

I was all kinds of free.
All kinds of thriving.
And all kinds of distracted with all the awesome things going on!
I had no need for a guy.
Life was incredible just as it was!

In March, I wrote a blog about my preparations and prayers for the insane undertaking that was quickly approaching.  This particular blog post seemed to spark Daniel's attention because the Facebook messages got a little more frequent and a little more personal.  We started talking about how GOD was working in our lives.  He asked a lot of questions about my upcoming trip, and he told me he would be praying about it all for me.

Now remember, that crazy-girl-mind in me had been squelched pretty quickly a few weeks prior to this, so Jenna Lupo was not getting her hopes up.  I would quickly dismiss any of my curious questioning of his intentions and assumed he was being friendly for friendship's sake.

I think I could tell something was building.
But I was terrified to acknowledge it.

Then came Sunday.
I will never forget the Sunday we passed in the hallway.

I know.  That sounds awfully dramatic for such an insignificant event.  Passing in the hall?!
But it was anything but insignificant.

To everyone else, it was a normal crowded hallway after Sunday school classes.
I don't remember who he was walking with.
I don't remember who I was talking to.

I remember the bright hallway from a sunny Sunday morning.
I remember seeing him approaching from the other direction.
I remember making eye contact.
I remember smiling at him and quietly saying hey.
I remember the way we both seemed to check out of whatever conversations we were having as we walked past... heads still turned toward each other, eyes locked until turning the corner...
Everyone else had disappeared.
It was the most movie-like moment of my entire life.

I think he wanted to talk to me more....

And then I snapped back to reality.

Jenna, that is absolutely ridiculous.  
Don't be a dumb girl.

(Fears and disappointments can make us really mean to ourselves, huh?)

Funny thing:  Daniel totally remembers the Sunday we passed in the hallway too.

knowing myself. and trusting.

To those just joining the conversation, I've been sharing the story of how my fiancé, Daniel, and I found ourselves where we are now: about 64 days away from getting married!

Check out my story of meeting Daniel and then truly seeing him.

As I think about how all of this unfolded, it makes me laugh to see how much I was noticing Daniel, yet I was completely unaware that there might be something there.  Perhaps the LORD was helping to protect me from myself a little.

What do I mean by that?

Well.... I'm going to be really honest.  I have never been super good at this whole "dating" thing.  (I know, for those of you who really know me, this is not a shocking statement.)

I've always been the girl who had crushes on boys who didn't like me, but that was okay because I really didn't expect them to be interested, and I would pride myself in my resilience as I recovered from the feelings of rejection.  Turns out, that was just a well-masked defense mechanism and maybe I was actually scared of being seen and desired.  If a guy expressed interest in me and it wasn't my idea first, I'd run.  Fast.

I was scared, but I also really wanted to find this kind of love.  If a worthy-seeming candidate would come on the scene, I'd position myself nearby, engage in conversation, and somewhat manipulate circumstances so that this thing could happen!  A couple of times it kinda worked.  But ultimately I came to see that I wasn't really trusting GOD with this, and I was truly scared out of my mind.

That's what I mean by GOD protecting me from myself.  Daniel wasn't on the forefront of my mind.  I didn't have some crazy crush that made me awkward in his presence or obsessively scheming in his absence.  I was free to be myself.

And free was absolutely what HE intended me to be.

If you remember, free was my word for 2014.

I was free from my fear of failure and free to thrive in the now. I was on the verge of something incredible.  The LORD was stirring and I could sense that HE was on the move.  HE had uprooted the deep weeds of insecurity that had been choking my heart.  HE had shown me a better view into HIS intentions when forming and creating me.  HE had given me a broader vision of how I could fulfill HIS dreams for me and use the gifts HE had given me.  I was in the midst of the most exciting time of my life.  I, in no way, needed a guy for my deep desires in the LORD to be realized in my life.
HE was already so much more than enough for me.

I guess that was the perfect place for me to be.

I imagine that was HIS intent...

So when my friend Robin and I were talking one afternoon and she asked me if I'd ever considered moving somewhere else so I could find that man that would be my husband, I was a little caught off guard.  She told me she didn't want me to move, but she so deeply wanted me to get to experience the joys of marriage and there just didn't seem to be anyone around who was right for me.  (I love her so much for loving me that much.)

And it was true.  I was having no luck finding someone who would be a good fit for me.

For a lot of people, such a bold move to a new city, open to encountering whatever and whomever the LORD had for them would be an incredible act of faith.

For me, it felt like it would be disobedience.

You see, in the fall of 2013, GOD had a word for me about settling.  You may remember this blog post I'd written that November.

HE had sweetly whispered to my heart:  Jenna, settle isn't always a bad word.

And as I had surrendered my restless spirit to HIM, HE showed me that HE was ready to put me in the ground.  I could trust HIM and root myself in this place HE had me.

I kinda pictured myself as a little potted plant.  I started in a comfortable little pot in Cleveland, Tennessee with my family and my small town and my small church and my safe world.  Then GOD had transplanted me, putting me in a larger pot.  That larger pot was Montgomery, Alabama.  A bigger city, a new state, a long drive alone, and the world of college.  But it wasn't too big of a jump.  My university was small and the Christian community kept me feeling safe and secure.  Montgomery soon became home, but then GOD transplanted me again.  This time the pot felt a lot bigger.  Huntsville.  With all its engineers and rocket scientists and big, fancy houses.  This was not my world.  And I was working in a church that, when driving by, could be confused for a college campus.  A couple thousand members, a couple hundred teenagers... My world at Mayfair was overwhelming at first, but in time, it had become home.

I guess a part of me always felt like I should be ready to give it up at any moment.  I didn't know how long HE would want me at Mayfair, so I wanted to be positioned so I could transition easily if HE asked.

Turns out, maybe that was a lack of trust too...

LORD, do you really want me to root myself more deeply here?
To let go of the thought that one day you might want to move me?

Jenna, settle isn't always a bad word...
In the ground, your roots can go deeper and your branches can spread wider and bear more fruit.  Something within you has held you back from this full surrender.  Let go of the security of a pot around you.  Let ME put you in the ground.
No promises, I still may uproot you at some point.
But you can trust ME.

And I did trust HIM.  

I trusted HIM so much.  

And I had been praying for more and more and more trust.

Trust without borders.

So I decided I could trust GOD in this too.

GOD, I have no idea how YOU are going to do this.  I can't see any possibilities on the horizon, and I have no clue where I will meet a man that will be a good match for me....

But I trust YOU.

I trust that YOU will do what YOU say YOU will do.

Even here.

I can trust YOU even here.

For some, faith might look like a big move.

For me, faith was to be still.

And trust.

So I did.

And I sure am glad I did because I wouldn't have wanted to miss what was coming next!!!

seeing Daniel.

I guess I paid a lot more attention to Daniel than I ever realized.  Laura Bell's family photo albums were always so captivating to me, and I found myself liking every picture of Allison with her Uncle Daniel.. and then sometimes decidedly NOT "liking" a picture because that would be weird... I don't even know him... What am I even doing?! (At that point, closing out that window of my laptop and refocusing on the original task at hand.  What was I supposed to be working on again?!)  Oh Jenna...

I would see him with his family, and it was so obvious that his nieces and nephew adored him.  Sure seemed like they had good reason-- he looked like so much fun! (Wait a minute, I thought he was super quiet and shy?)

So for months I would get these little glimpses of Daniel.  Passing glances and snapshot images that seemed to capture so much.  And again and again, I'd let the thoughts pass and be tucked away in the back of my mind.

In the fall of 2013, I was randomly asked to be the campus coach for First Priority, a student-led Christian club at Grissom High School.  Each Wednesday morning I would find myself in the halls of the high school, hanging out with some students in the art room.  Once a month, the students would bring in a guest speaker for "Overcome" week, and often they would ask me for suggestions.  Allison was a part of the group, and one day her Uncle Daniel came to mind.  I didn't know a lot about him, but I knew he had a powerful redemption story and I wondered if Allison thought he might be a good speaker.  She thought it would be perfect, so we lined up a week for him to come share his story with the club.

(This picture is from an event for His Way that Daniel spoke at in the spring of 2013. I wasn't there. I stole it from Facebook.) 

The morning he came and spoke at First Priority was the first time I really got to see Daniel.  I had gone to coffee with Allison before he came to speak, and she told me a lot of the details of his story that I didn't know, but hearing him share what GOD had done in his life was incredible.  

He talked about who he was in high school-- at Grissom, the very place these students were.  An all-star football and basketball player: on his way to big things, and feeling good about it.  It was his identity.

And then one day he lost it all.

An injury took him out of the game and everything that, in his eyes, defined him, was gone.

He talked about the spiral of events that unfolded in his life from that point.  He talked about the darkness.  The people he found himself surrounded by.  The giving up.  The giving in.  And the pain that just wouldn't go away.  With humility, sadness, and strength, he told those teens about the dark road he traveled for nearly a decade before he found himself at His Way.  

He was a broken man at rock bottom.

And then he talked about encountering JESUS.  

He had grown up going to church, but this wasn't the same.  The way these men talked about GOD was different.  It didn't feel out of reach and unattainable for someone as broken as him.  He was shown the truth: it was for him.  All of it.  His brokenness didn't in some way disqualify him from JESUS, making him not good enough and never able to be good enough.  He didn't have to be perfect.  He just needed to have JESUS.

I watched Daniel tell those students this bold and powerful Truth.  He had finally found the solution to all that had unraveled in his life.  He had finally found relief from the pain and the strength to stand up and be the man he truly wanted to be.  He had finally found the answer to his life's desperate search.

And he found it all in JESUS.

All that we are-- the lacking and the good-- can be secure in who HE is.

That Truth changed Daniel's life.  It was obvious to me, and it was obvious to those students.  

It was a beautiful thing to watch GOD work in Daniel and in those teens that morning.  

And that morning, as I sat in a random art room at Grissom High School, I was seeing Daniel.

But I was also seeing JESUS.

meeting Daniel.

I want to introduce you to my fiancé, Daniel Bell.

He is a most wonderful man, and it's almost funny just how perfect he is for me.  It's funny in the I'm-laughing-because-my-mind-is-blown-and-if-I-really-start-telling-you-how-I-feel-I'll-probably-cry kind of way. 

When I consider Daniel and how the LORD has been seamlessly weaving our hearts together, I get a special little glimpse into how well HE knows me.  HE truly does give good gifts, and this is one HE has been preparing for quite a while.  (We just didn't know it.)

Daniel and I met almost two years ago on a ski trip with the young professional group at our church.  

I remember the official meeting moment quite clearly:  I needed someone to ride the ski lift with me.  He was behind me.  He had an awesome beard.  He seemed super nice.  And he didn't have anyone to ride with either.  Easy peasy. 

Now normally I'm really awkward around attractive guys, and I would have been intimidated, but I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, just a ski-lift buddy (I was kinda talking to someone else at the time.  Sort of.  It was complicated.), so my normally outgoing self was free to ask him to ride with me.  He was quiet.  I was chatty.  He didn't know who I was.  I was secretly a little offended by that.  He mentioned his niece, Allison, who was in the youth group.  I, as one of her youth ministers at the time, totally knew who she was and rambled some cute little story about how wonderful she is.  Then we got off the ski lift.  And I'm pretty sure we didn't speak the rest of the trip. haha! 

We may not have spoken, but I remember noticing him.  It was all so off my radar that I didn't even realize I was noticing him.  But I remember recognizing when he was around.  I remember being disappointed he didn't end up on my van for the long ride back to Huntsville.  And I remember completely and immediately disregarding such a thought.

What I didn't know is that I wasn't the only one who was faintly yet specifically aware of the other.  He tells me that, for him, the first moment of connection came before the ski lift.  I walked in the room, we made eye contact, and it was all over... Ha- okay just kidding.  It wasn't quite that dramatic for him.  But he did say that felt something when he looked in my eyes... (And now I'm blushing. Moving on.)

Our next encounter was a little over a week later.

It was a Monday afternoon, and I was getting ready to leave the office and get ready for my senior high girls to come over for our weekly Bible Study.  The night before, the young pros had put on a special dinner for the senior adults at our church, a "senior prom" of sorts.  There was a ton of food leftover and I happened to know where the extra desserts were tucked away, so I figured I would grab some out of the big fridge so that the girls could have a little treat at Bible Study.

I rushed into the big fridge (you know, the industrial sized ones that are the size of a room with a freezer-closet inside), and who did I run into (and maybe I mean that almost literally) but Daniel Bell.  He was being a good citizen and servant and picking up the leftover foods to bring to the guys at His Way, a Christ-centered residential recovery program, where he works.  I was stealing dessert.  (Disclaimer: it wasn't stealing.  I was completely allowed.)  I felt like an idiot.  But I played it off nicely, helping him carry all the food out to his truck.  I may have felt dumb, but he says he remembers thinking that I was so sweet to help him. 

From that point on, I'd see him at Bible class, but we never talked.  It wasn't because I didn't want to, our paths just never seemed to cross.  And again, he wasn't really on my radar.  At least not consciously.  But anytime one of the girls would mention his name, I remember saying, "Daniel Bell... he's real cute.  And he's got an awesome beard!"  And the words would always linger in my mind and I'd think to myself, "Man, I wish I knew him better..." 

where to begin.

Well, my friend, 2014 was quite a year.
One that unfolded with poor blog-documentation, and for that I apologize.
It wasn't because I wanted to keep you in the dark or out of the know.
It wasn't that at all.
(Oh how I wanted to tell you all about it!)

I just didn't know where to begin.

And honestly, I still don't.

This past year was exceedingly more than I imagined.
More lovely.
More beautiful.
More absolutely out-of-my-mind in love with the LORD.
More overwhelmed by how much HE loves me.
More peace-filled and certain.
More unpredictable.

This year was more freeing.
More passionate.
More painful.
More redemptive.
Absolutely immeasurably more.

The LORD led me into a place of promises fulfilled and hope restored.
HE opened up the path and the most wonderful man came alongside me, delighting me so fully with this deep desire of my heart.  A prayer's answer I wouldn't have expected, but upon reflection made perfect sense.

The LORD guarded me.
HE fought for me.
HE allowed me to fight for HIM.
HE taught me the art of HIS surrender and the powerful truth that the Enemy is defeated all the more with such a CHRIST-mirroring approach.
HE equipped me to do it.

Oh how I am amazed by the goodness of the LORD.

Oh how I am shocked by the power of HIS unshakable peace.

Oh how much I love HIM.

It's been quite a year.
And I have no idea how I'm going to tell you all about it.
But I'll start somewhere and we will see what happens.

HIS glory has been revealed to me in such a beautiful way, so as I enter into the newness and the space of 2015, I'm going to do my best to allow you a glimpse into it as well.

I think it will be fun.

it's a new year.

As is the nature of this time of year, I've found myself reflecting upon years past as I dream about the year ahead.

Each year the LORD leads me into January with a new word to use as a lens for the days and life ahead.

2013 - choose better

2014 - free

What is 2015?

What has all of this been leading toward?

Choosing.

Learning how to say "no" so I can reach a better "yes".

Discipline.  Training.

Healthier physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally.

2013 made me stronger.

Then 2014 was a heightened playing field, putting all of that discipline, health, and strength to good use.

If 2013 was training, 2014 was the war.

It was the battle.

It was the marathon I'd have the opportunity to endure, all the while making me better and more alive for it.

And I was free.

Free to try.

Not held back by fear of failure.

Free to thrive.

Not held back by hopes of the future and all the unknowns.

I was free to say yes.

In so many beautiful ways.

Free to say yes to the scary dark places the LORD led me through.

Free to step up to opening doors.

Free to encounter all that is waiting on the other side with GOD.

Trust without borders through it all.

Now, as I turn and reflect, 2014 is behind me.

That doorway has closed.

I have stepped through.

I took the leap.

And I've entered a whole new world.

A new season.

A new space.

New situations, scenarios.

A new partner alongside me.

It truly is a new year.

All things new.

There is loss in newness.

There is grief and pain.

But the letting go is worth it.

The open hands, free, are positioned for the better.

The time has come.

All things new.

I feel those words.

Weighted with Truth.

Beauty.

Potential.

All things new.

Blooming with the aroma of redemption and the Light of the SON.

All things new.

LORD, my hands are open.

Free.  Trained.  Ready to step further into the place YOU lead me.

The room is dark...

but a Light is dawning.

Spring, as promised, will come.

All things new.

summer summer summertime.

Yep.

It's summer.

And yes, I've already broken that month-long flawless record of blogging consistency.

I knew it would happen.

It's summer.

Thursday was full of activity as we finished preparing for the arrival of the MYM Summer Interns.
Yes, they were arriving at 3:30, and yes, we had put many important little intricate tasks on the back burner, all of which needed to be completed that day.
It had been a crazy week.
Who could blame us!?

The interns arrived, and we were off.
Intern training retreat.
Important information, followed by a ridiculous amount of caffeine, sugar, and craziness all in the name of team building and bonding.
There's nothing like it.
It's absolutely glorious!

And that was only the beginning.

And here it is.
Tuesday.
Another blog post needing to be written, and I'm lacking the inspiration.
Completely distracted by the excitement of everything else going on around me!

I love structure.
I love routine.
I love establishing a daily discipline.
I thrive when I exist well within that established discipline.

But it's summer.
And there's a whole lot of life around me to live.
A whole lot of people around me to love.
And a pretty full calendar filled with innumerable opportunities to immerse myself in all of the above.

It's summer.
And in youth ministry, that is pretty much equivalent to an absolute whirlwind of awesomeness.

So I'm going to apologize in advance if I'm unable to maintain my Tuesday/Thursday blogging commitment.
Please have grace for me.

I'd love to be able to balance it all perfectly and carry on through the chaos without dropping any of the things I've so intentionally pursued in my personal growth.
But I can't.
Because it's summer.
And I'm going to have to have some grace for myself in that too.

So this summer I will be present.
I will take each day and all that it offers, and I will attempt to fill it with the better things, for myself and for those around me.

That will mean packed bags and missing morning Pilates.
It will mean too many pieces of pizza, and exhaustion that tempts me to turn to the Red Bull.
It will mean inconsistency.
It will chaos.

But in the midst of it all there is some incredible potential.
The kind of stuff you only experience when you let go of the need to control.
Surrender so you can have your hands free to grip it all.

And that's what I plan to do this summer.
And I think it's going to be great!

running my mind.

So I just got back from a typical Tuesday afternoon run.

Except it wasn't completely typical.
Started a little later.
Ran with different people.
I overslept and didn't go to Pilates this morning.
And ate a donut.
And another half of one.
And I didn't go to spin yesterday morning either.
I'd camped out with the seniors the night before.
(Worth it.)
And had eaten a lot of brownies.
And I haven't had enough water today.
And it was really hot outside.
Like, really hot.
And I should have worn different socks.

That's why I couldn't do it.
I couldn't run the entire 3.8 mile route.
I had to walk.
Let the others go ahead.
And walk.
Slowly.
If I had eaten better today.
Or if it was cooler.
Or if my usual running buddies were with me.
Then I could do it.
But today?
I can't.

Or at least that was what my mind was telling me.

Over and over again that second half of the run.

Slow down.
Walk.
It's okay.
You just can't do it today…

Turning the corner, making my way back to the church building, I recognized what was going on.
My mind was trying to run me.
But I am the one who gets to choose how to run my mind.

It does that sometimes.
Tries to talk me out of trying.
Tries to convince me I don't have what it takes.
Gives me reason after reason to give up.

But I know the truth.
Ultimately, I get to choose.

So I made a choice.

One step at a time.
Steady pace.
I wouldn't let myself get discouraged and stop.
One step at a time.
I'd finish the "race" set before me today.

And I wasn't going to just turn my mind off, numbing myself to thought in an effort to push through.
That approach doesn't help me in the long run.

This was my choice.
Each step would be my decision.
Me taking the reigns of my mind back.

And once I redirected my thoughts in the way I wanted them to go, the rest of me followed.

That's the powerful thing about having the freedom to choose…
I can allow a lot of things to influence how I feel or what I do.
Or I can be the one running my mind.

And if I choose to dwell with the LORD as I journey and choose…
Wow…
Nothing will be able to stop us...

a message to my graduates.

This is dedicated to my seniors.  The students who, as little sixth graders, welcomed me into their lives with open arms.  Their crazy antics, their profound radiance, their leadership, and the never-ending list of incredible fun adventures with them are going to be missed as they transition out of "youth group" and into a new season.  I'm not worried for them at all.  I am overwhelmed with deep joy as I look at them, ready to take these next steps.  I cannot wait to see all that GOD has in store for this crew.  It is going to be big.  They are some game-changers.  Wherever they go, they will leave impressions of HIM.  Hey MYM Seniors:  I love you a whole whole lot.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You don't have it all figured out yet.
And that's okay.

You won't have it all figured out when you graduate college either.
And that's okay.

I'm eleven years removed from the place you stand right now.
This place of waiting.
This place of ending chapters and closing doors.
This place of anticipation.
And anxiety.
And tears.
And of incredible possibility.

I'm eleven years removed, but I still remember.

I remember my growing pile of "dorm stuff."
Nicely organized by the fireplace in the den.
I think I sifted through that pile daily, adding everything I thought I could possibly need with me in college.
A new comforter.
Plastic plates, forks, spoons.
A laundry basket.
New towels.
Matching wash cloths.
A floor mat.
Picture frames.
Every cheesy, inspirational graduation book or memento I'd received.
Even a cute little hot pink shower radio.
(Note: I do NOT recommend the shower radio.  Turns out, roommates won't always appreciate your lively tunes and loud singing as you try to wake up in the morning.  Go figure.  And I'm scarred for life now.)

I remember walking out of my high school that last time.
Saying goodbye to friends I would really miss.
Saying goodbye to classmates I'd never really connected with, realizing the opportunity had now passed me by.

I remember graduation.
Mine was actually ruined by a major thunderstorm, so I remember bitterly enduring a ceremony void of every anticipated tradition I'd observed at CHS year after year.
I remember sobbing in my dad's arms afterwards, feeling like I'd been robbed of something special.
I think more than anything, all the conflicting emotions inside of me finally became too much.
The crying was more of a release of it all than a mourning.

I remember that summer.
Everything felt a little more sacred.
It all had a hint of finality to it.
And it was so much fun.

I remember loading all my stuff in my parents' car.
Packed into the backseat with piles surrounding me.
At one point in the journey, a printer fell on my head.
That hurt.

I remember moving all my stuff into the dorm.
I remember the what I wore to that first dinner where all the Freshman and their families gathered together for an orientation and celebration.
I remember thinking that Montgomery is really humid.

And I remember standing in the parking lot as my parents drove away.
Suddenly feeling very alone.
Excited.
But alone.

I remember slowing walking back into my empty dorm room.
Sitting at my desk.
Staring at the neatly organized books, pictures, and school supplies.
I remember the pause.

The significant pause.

And I remember deciding not to just sit there, but to go meet people.
And I did.
And it was awesome.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of you are fearless as you enter this new season of life.
You aren't worried about a thing, and you can't wait to get out of here!
Good for you!
Seriously.
It's gonna be a lot of fun!
And you shouldn't be worried.

But don't be reckless, okay?
Don't abandon everything you know and value because of the thrill of freedom.
I think you'll regret that.

Look for people who will keep you connected to who you want to be.
Take advantage of people GOD puts in your path to support you and encourage you.
Know that at some point, you will face something difficult, and you'll need that.
Remember that we're here for you too.
Always.

Now go have fun, and when you come back to town, you'd better come tell us all about your crazy adventures!

Some of you are a little nervous.
You are leaving a lot behind-- it's understandable to feel this way!

You are anxious about finding new friends that will love you like your friends here do.
You're anxious about other people's lives moving forward without you in them.
You don't want to miss out.
I get that.

You may be nervous about the school work and the stress.
The sororities and social clubs.
The new team you'll be playing for, or the team you leave behind.

In any transition, something is left behind.

It has to be.

You know why?

Because so much lies ahead.

If you try to carry everything with you from before, you won't have room to pick up all the things that are being positioned ahead of you.

It's okay to set stuff down.
Even friendships.
It may feel like an ending, but it's not.
Friendships can change forms and still retain all of their value.

So remember that.
I know it's hard.
But it's really good.
And I promise you, GOD has a whole lot of amazing things ready for you to encounter, and a whole lot of people for you to embrace, and a whole lot of opportunities ready to shape you.

Dear ones that I love,
If you are scared.
Or sad.
Or unsure.
Remember this:

It is going to be so much more than alright.

May the LORD bless you and protect you.
May the LORD smile upon you
And be gracious to you.
May the LORD show you HIS favor
And give you HIS peace.

completely complete.

It's Tuesday.

A blog post day.

And I had a plan.

I wrote an outline on Saturday.

It was going to be about Hawaii and the helicopter ride and facing fears and all sorts of good analogies from the day after the marathon.

All day I had the draft on my screen.

Waiting to be written.

But it felt forced. 

Scripted.

And it wasn't flowing.

So I tossed it.

There is something I want to share though.

Something that flowed from the SPIRIT last night as I sat in my living room surrounded by a dozen beautiful teenage girls who are seeking the LORD with me. 

It was this Truth, whispered by HIS breath into the very center of my being:

Where you are lacking, you are still completely complete in ME.

For the girl who is nervous about leaving home, going to college, and all it will bring.

Where she is lacking, she is still completely complete in HIM.

For the girl who is struggling to trust HIM.

Where she is lacking, she is still completely complete in HIM.

For the one who is new in her journey, unsure of how to see HIM, how to hear HIM, how to know HIM.

Where she is lacking, she is still completely complete in HIM.

For each of us.

In any struggle.

Any fear.

Any feeling of "not enough."

In our sins.

In our weakness.

In our arrogance.

In our skewed perspectives.

Where you are lacking, you are still completely complete in HIM.

Maybe you need to hear that today.

If you do, I pray that the words are coming into your heart, clearing away guilt and shame and fear, and making room for HIS beautiful, scandalous grace to flood your entire being.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the LORD your GOD is with you wherever you go."

the marathon.

So… LORD…
Tomorrow is the marathon.
What. the. heck.

I'm so thankful for all the people praying for me…
But even if no one else was, YOU are with us.

This is a door YOU are opening.
What will we encounter?
What will YOU do?

Who knows… but we'll be participating.

----------------------------------------------

That was the prayer.
That was the challenge.
To show up.
To step in.
To try.

I wasn't guaranteed to finish.
I wasn't certain I'd get the medal.
I had no idea what to expect.
But HE had been clear that success would not be found in the "winning" but in the stepping.
So that's what we planned to do.
Step after step after step after step.
For 26.2 miles.
Faithfully trusting HIS faithfulness.
Confident that what HE set into motion, HE would bring to completion, whether it looked like all I hoped or not.

I know people thought we were crazy.
I know people were genuinely concerned for our well-being.
But I knew we'd be okay.
I wasn't afraid.

I remember a conversation I'd had with GOD a couple of days after Rachel and I bought our plane tickets and registered for the marathon.  I had started telling people about this awesome adventure I was undertaking, and the resistance from very well-meaning individuals had defused the momentum of my excitement, planting seeds of doubt and hesitancy.  Was GOD really the one opening this door for me, or was I being reckless and overambitious?

So I asked HIM.
And I listed every reason why I shouldn't follow through.

There's not enough time to train.  The race is in three months, and I've never run more than a little over three miles at one time.  And people get hurt trying to push themselves with stuff like this!  I'm not equipped!!!  There is absolutely no reason why I should believe I can do this!

Exactly.

(HE quickly stopped my escalating rant of fear.)

You have absolutely no reason to believe you can do this.
And that's the point.
I can.  
And I know you believe that.
I didn't ask if you were capable. 
I asked if you were willing.
So go.

You are free from the fear of failing.

And I was free.
That was the very word HE had given me as I entered into this new year, before I even knew of a Hawaii trip and a marathon.

And I wasn't making this up.
The Truth I heard lined up with every Truth HE speaks in Scripture.

Just as I had been praying all year, HE was calling me out upon the waters, expanding the reach of my trust so that it was growing to be without borders.

Even this.
HE was capable of even this.
And if this?
Wow…
What more might HE have in store if I choose to follow?

----------------------------------------------

3am came early, but with all the excitement and anxiety (plus an unexpected encounter with a mega-huge cockroach), I was wide awake.  And giddy.

Rachel and I were ready.
Well, as ready as we could be.
At this point, I had never run more than five miles at one time.*
And because of an injury, Rachel hadn't been allowed to run for the four weeks prior.
Even though the odds were ever so against us, we knew GOD was for us!

----------------------------------------------

The marathon was incredible.
For the entire first half, we felt so alive!
It was exhilarating to participate in something so big!!
(Especially after my conversation with GOD in the water the day before!)

As good as it felt and as strong as we were, we knew the pain would come.
We knew it would feel more like death before it was all over.

Around mile 18, the pain hit hard.
But we continued forward.
Step after step after step after step.
We held to HIS Truths, speaking them aloud.

Pain will not define us, joy will reignite us!
(Thank you, Rend Collective, for that jewel from your latest album.)
The joy of the LORD is our strength!
YOU can, so we will!

Over and over.
In desperate breaths and bold, loud proclamation.
HIS Truth propelled us forward.

Yes, it felt like death.
But we knew the Truth:

We knew that would could choose death, because HE is a GOD who takes our deaths and gives us life.  The life we knew before would pale in comparison to the new life, the resurrected life, that we would find ahead!

Resurrection is more than a pretty analogy or a far-away promise.
It is living.
Active.
Present.
Powerful.
Now.
HE is in all things.
And HE was with us, so we would not give up.

There were some really beautiful moments along the way.
And a lot of life lessons.

Karl, Valerie, Mitaso…
Each name represents a story.
A sacred moment.
HIS goodness at work around us.

----------------------------------------------

The last 2 miles.

We were going to finish.
We were going to even get a metal!

The extravagance of HIS Love for us was overwhelming to me in that moment.
Tears welled up in my eyes as we continued fighting.
Continued pushing.
Forcing our legs to continue moving our aching bodies forward.

The closer we got to the end, the louder the lies got.
The louder the voice in my head shouting:
This hurts!
Give up!
You can't do it!

Oh how the enemy hated this gift we were receiving.

We wouldn't listen.

Instead I spoke over and over again:

I choose YOU even when it's hard.
I choose YOU even when it hurts.
I choose YOU in all things.
Yes, LORD.
I say yes to YOU.

Over and over and over again.
Step after step after step after step.

SPIRIT lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the waters, wherever YOU would call me.  And take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the Presence of my SAVIOR.

HE did it.
We finished.

And I promise you, it was about so much more than a race and a medal.

"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race.  Everyone runs; one wins.  Run to win.  All good athletes train hard.  They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades.  You're after one that's gold eternally.  I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line.  I'm giving it everything I've got.  No sloppy living for me!  I'm staying alert and in top condition.  I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

_________________________________________________________
* My marathon training was advised by experienced runners who were able to give me counsel for where I was and what I planned to do.  I am forever grateful specifically for Terri Keller and Dana DeBardelaben from the Heart of the Valley YMCA.  They encouraged me, challenged me, trained me, helped me avoid injuries, and never once made me feel foolish for my faith.  I am blessed to have these women, and many others, as another branch of the beautiful community GOD has provided me in Huntsville.

the water.

So that's how the trip started.
With a hopelessly disconnected feeling I just couldn't shake.

From the moment Rachel & I arrived on the Hawaiian island of Oahu, my mind was overwhelmed, and my heart couldn't feel a thing.

The mountains, the trees, the beaches, the water: all of it.
I wanted to touch it.
I wanted to feel it.
I wanted it to touch me.
Why wouldn't my heart be moved?!
I was in the most incredible place-- on what was supposed to be the most freeing adventure!-- and my heart wouldn't wake up and join the party!

The excitement of Friday's arrival had been all so abruptly halted by a black hole in my heart that seemed to expand the further we followed the road, leaving my eyes wide-- not in wonder, but in fear.

Fear.
The numbness grew.
My heartbeat slowed.
And my mind raced.

I had hoped that I would wake up Saturday morning feeling much more like myself and ready for a day of exploration.  Unfortunately, as I stood in the early morning light on the Banzai Pipeline shore, I could see that nothing had changed.  I couldn't shake the heavy feeling that darkened my heart and clouded my eyes.

It was somewhere in the midst of that moment that I heard myself utter the thought aloud:

I wish I could be out there surfing those waves...

But that was utterly ridiculous.

I needed a place to sit.

I needed my journal.

I needed to escape into my sacred place with GOD and beg for HIM to do something.

Anything.

I had noticed some boulders further down the beach that looked like an ideal place to settle down and slip into my safe haven, so Rachel and I wandered away from the growing crowd of tourists, climbed the rocks, and busted out the ole journals.

I don't know how to absorb it all, GOD.

What would it be like to be a surfer out there?

It looks terrifying to me..

I paused, taking some time to stare out at the water.  I intentionally slowed my breathing and started softly singing the prayer-song "Oceans."  Each exhale was a released plea. It was like I was tossing out a line, praying GOD would take hold of it and pull me into HIM.

Suddenly HE had my attention.

It was like HE snapped HIS fingers and I was now seeing a different picture.

YOU call me out upon the waters…

Peter's waters weren't calm.

They were stormy.

Scary.

Big waves.

He could have drowned.

But YOU were there.

How great YOU are…

(and I giggled as my imagination painted a silly picture)

JESUS, did YOU look kinda like a surfer?

The comical moment there with HIM had broken something.

A chain was loosened enough for the bold spirit in me to begin stirring again.

Open my heart to feel this, I prayed.

Please.  With a fullness.

Deep deep deep.

Please LORD.

Settle me.

Help me dwell in YOU here.

I felt a tug on my heart.

HE had taken hold of the line! 

HE had heard my pleas!

And HE was pulling me in, calling me out into the waters.

My mind was immediately at war.

Thoughts frantic, insecurity and fear trying to convince my body not to follow the pull.

Stay on the rocks.

The water's too rough.

There are people around, you are going to look crazy.

But my spirit had tasted the freedom and the call was too clear.  Before my mind could catch up, my hands were dropping the journal and my legs were lifting me, moving me.  My eyes were fixed ahead.

My thoughts had no choice but to surrender.  

It was no use, HE had broken me out of the prison.

I was free.

As soon as I felt the waters on my feet, the tears came.

In that moment of freedom, the ache of my heart was finally given a voice:

LORD, I am so tired of being stuck on the sidelines.

It's scary, but my heart will die if I have to stay here any longer.

Get me in LORD, I cried. 

Ankle deep in ocean water, sobbing, I let HIM hold my heart and pull me close.

I AM drawing you in, HE spoke to me.

I AM leading you out, taking you deeper.

You aren't on the sidelines anymore.

As I looked ahead, further out where the waves were huge and the surfers were practically dancing on them, HE spoke again to my ache.

You aren't there yet.

You're not ready or equipped.

But you are further than you were before.

I created you to participate with ME.

Do not fear. It's not hopeless.

Look how far you've come.

It's funny; I don't remember walking that much further, but the water had gotten a lot deeper.  The rising tide was bringing rushing water, back and forth, back and forth.  I could feel the undertow.  It was strong, at times trying to pull me in two different directions, but I wasn't afraid.  My core was solid and my feet were steady, anchored in the sand.

Before I knew it, I was soaked.

And I was squealing like a five-year-old girl.

I like to think GOD started playfully splashing me.

(We were there to have fun, right?)

What had been a very tearful moment was transformed into quite a hilarious sight!

And the joy….

Oh how the joy flooded my soul.

So that's how the trip really started.
On a Saturday morning at the beach.
With a hopelessly disconnected feeling I just couldn't shake.
And with a SAVIOR who is in the business of loosening chains and setting captives free.

(And that was just the first morning...)