That's the trap.
The realization shook me alert.
I've not been home from work long. It's the first day of my new job-- a job for which I am so so grateful. As Daniel sits leaned forward in his recliner, fervently untangling some Statistics homework, I've settled into the quiet with my new book that came in the mail today. The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Suzanne Stabile. I'm only on page six, but here is where it happened. Here's where it found me, the answer to my question.
What is the trap?
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Brian Privett was leading our prayer time after the lesson yesterday at The Light. I sat, reflecting, listening to his words. He shared a picture, an image of different individuals caught in a bear trap. Am I trapped in any way, LORD? I wondered. And as I sat, eyes closed, heart searching, it was as if I could feel something wrapped around my right ankle. Is this my bear trap? I could sense the tug in my spirit, an understanding of an entanglement in which I hadn't previously been aware. My foot is caught in a bear trap, and I've been stuck, walking in circles. But what is the trap?
Is this for real, LORD? Is this really a word for me, or am I just making it about me right now?
Jenna, you can hear things and not be stirred.
You can ask and not be moved.
You know how it feels when I AM speaking.
And I realized it was true.
Something has been holding me back.
And even in my movement, I've not really been getting anywhere.
But what is the trap?
I asked, but the answer didn't come.
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You could say I've been a student of the Enneagram for over a year now, consuming literature and podcasts, learning how to use this tool that, even as a novice, has served me well. In February 2017, after taking a couple of quizzes that weren't quite accurate, I began reading The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery and found that I am, without a doubt, a Four. My deepest desires are to be known and understood, to be seen for who I really am. I am complicated and unique and moody. (The moody thing makes me cringe, but we all know it can be true...)
A couple days ago I posted a picture with a quote from Ian Cron's Typology Podcast. It was something he said at the end of Episode 40, featuring a panel of Fours. "Nothing's missing. Everything you need to be happy is here right now. It's not out there in some distant future."
His words resonated with me.
So I quietly laid them out on my letterboard.
A reminder I knew I needed.
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"Fours believe something is missing in their lives, and they won't be okay until they find it."
That's what I just read on page six.
That's what I'm stuck in!!!
It's not even that I feel like something's missing, it's that I believe I won't be okay until I figure it out!
Until I find it.
Until I become it.
Until they see it.
My heart beats loud even as I type this.
It's as if every cell of my being is begging me to pay attention -- don't miss this!! And my searching spirit just got a taste of the water and it wasn't enough to satisfy my thirst but it turned me around and reminded me what really will.
You are enough.
Nothing is wasted.
Here, be free.
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You know, it's funny.
My word for the year is contentment.
Perhaps HE has only just begun to show me what that means....
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