the fear of strength.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."  - Marianne Williamson

I don't remember where I was when I first heard this quote.
I can't remember if I first read it or who referenced it.
I don't even know how long it has been since that day.

But I remember how I felt.

My first reaction was awe!
The words struck me as something so profound.
I felt a rush of excitement! Potential!
Resurfacing dreams!

But in an instant, something halted me.
Abruptly.

Slowly nodding in agreement, deep in thought..
My head tilted and brow furrowed with visible pondering...
The more the words turned over in my mind, the more loosely I seemed to hold them.

The spark that initially ignited in my spirit slowly fizzled out.
No… That wasn't how I felt.
That wasn't what I feared…

And the sigh that followed was the settling of my spirit back into the comfortable place she knew she belonged.

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Sunday morning I was standing in the bathroom getting ready for church.
Looking in the mirror is a little different lately.
This may sound weird (and I feel weird saying it), but it's kinda fascinating.
Because you guys: I have muscles.
Like, flex my arm and see it take on a new shape and form.
Muscles.

Strong, stretched, lean muscles.
What. in. the. world.

(And maybe you just read that and are thinking that I'm vain or strange or something, but like I mentioned in yesterday's post, I used to think I couldn't be that girl.  So I think it still shocks me a little to raise my arm, touch my shoulder, and feel a rock there!)

I looked at myself in the mirror, borderline dumbfounded, and I just laughed!

LORD: I have lived my whole life having no idea how strong I could be!

And then this sobering thought caught my attention.

I don't think the enemy wanted me to know.

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I get the quote now.
I feel it.

I've been freed from my insecurities enough to know that I am not inadequate.
I know and like who GOD created me to be.
I see ways HE uses me in the places HE has me.
And it's exciting.

I've been freed from some of the "lesser" things that once enslaved me.
I know how to choose better.
And when I get distracted and find myself wasting my time,
Or consuming (anything) in excess,
I know what I need to do to return to the better things.

I've been freed.
This is a season of freedom.
Freedom and strength.

In the moments my heart races with anticipation of all that GOD plans to do…
In the moments I stand tall, purpose clear, vision outward, spirit soaring…
I can take on the world.

But not long after those glorious moments of faith and passion and hope, a different feeling approaches.

{Insert new fear.}

In those moments, from somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach, this sickening, aching feeling creeps out.
It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to wrap up in a blanket, slip into a corner, and hide…
It's makes me nauseous and uneasy.
Skeptical.
Fearful.
Small.

The voice that hates my strength and despises the ONE who provides it, whispers.

Who are you to be that strong?
Who are you to think that?
How arrogant. 
How dare you.
What if they don't see that light?
What if it isn't really there?
You think too much of yourself.
Who are you to think you could be more?
They won't like you, if you keep this up.
You intimidate them.
You'll make them jealous.
How dare you for thinking you might make someone jealous.

And the whispers will go on and on.
Shaming you into a corner.
Shrinking you down.
Shutting you up.
Suffocating the fire.

But the whispers are lies.

Lies from an enemy that has hated us from the beginning.
The enemy hates that we were given HIS image.
The enemy hates that we are adorned with HIS beauty.
The enemy hates that HE wants to give us so much…
Hates that HE even offers HIS own strength to step in and transform our weaknesses.

And I suppose the enemy never really gives up.
When denied entrance, the thief creeps around to the other side of a situation, looking for a different vulnerability to use to his advantage.
But the father of lies has been deceived himself, thinking JESUS might be anything less than victorious in my life.

My SHEPHERD guards HIS sheep well.
And the sheep know their SHEPHERD.

This new fear is a lie.
And though it is one that I do not fully understand,
I will not be deceived.

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It makes sense that we're afraid.
Afraid of all we could be…
Afraid of all GOD could do…
In us.
In you.
In me.

It's scary because such greatness is foreign to me.
It's an unknown,
Exceeding my mind's capabilities to comprehend.
Immeasurably more that I could ask or imagine…
I don't know how to hold something I can't measure.

But HE says...

Fear not, little lamb.

Don't be afraid, for I AM with you.
Don't be discouraged, for I AM your GOD.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with MY victorious right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)

I haven't given you a spirit of fear and timidity.
But of power, love, and self-discipline.
(2 Timothy 1:7)

MY perfect love expels all fear.
(1 John 4:18)

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The quote from Marianne Williamson continues on:

Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking...  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I have been set free.
And the freedom and strength that GOD has been leading me to is intended to glorify HIM and serve HIS Kingdom well.
And that's what I want to do.

I don't want to believe those lies.
I don't want to be robbed of all that GOD imagines for my life.

And I don't you to be either.

So let's stand tall.
Don't give the enemy your ears.
Let's know the voice of our SHEPHERD.

And let's trust HIM as we continue to walk forward and see what happens!

I know that is precisely what I plan to do.