and it broke.

If I'm being honest
I don't even know what to say right now.

All my thoughts are depressing…

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That's all I could come up with last night as I sat, tears in my eyes, trying to spend the lonely dark hours of the early evening efficiently by writing.

You see, I've been wrestling with some stuff this winter.  Deeply buried fears and doubts and pains that are made vulnerable by the cold and the darkness.  The winter is a barren and lonely season.  And to quote the Avetts, it must be winter in my heart.

Lonely.
Isolated.
Sad.

All day, I'd felt like I was on the verge of tears.
And on the drive home, I cried.

Alone.
In the car.
In the rain.
The cold rain.

Choking on my tears, I sought refuge in my apartment.

The darkness.
The loneliness.
The aching.
The cries.

I had reached a breaking point.

In desperation, I texted a couple close friends, begging for prayers, and moments later, I received these words from a dear friend and mentor:

I WAS JUST PRAYING FOR YOU!!! Go Holy Spirit!!! He loves you so much:)

And in that moment, I broke.
I fell fully into the crashing waves of pain and fear and sadness.
And I cried.
A lot.

Alone.
It broke.
My heart just… broke.

        Falling further into hysteria
        crumbled on the floor
        face pressed into the side of the mattress
        clinging to the edge of my quilt
        desperately grasping for something to hold on to
        wailing in agony
        screaming to the LORD.

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There is a song that has been the anthem of my prayers and the prompter of my spirit for almost a year now: Oceans by Hillsong United.  The lyrics put words to a bold prayer that the SPIRIT has been interceding on my behalf for years.  I so deeply desire to follow HIM with such closeness and intimacy and trust that I will follow HIM anywhere.  I want to allow HIM to take me into the places HE dreamed of guiding me when HE formed me.  I want to be HIS Light in darkness.  I want to speak HIS Love in brokenness.  I want to expose HIS Life in death.

I want to have trust without borders.
I want to walk upon the waters, wherever HE will call me.
I want HIM to take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.
I want my faith to be made even stronger in the Presence of my SAVIOR.

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I cried to the LORD, begging HIM to save me.

GOD where are YOU?!
I can't control this!! I can't fix this!!
Why can't I escape this sadness!
My heart hurts so badly, I could rip it out!
Please… 
I've been trying to trust without borders and walk on the waters…
But the ocean is raging!!
I'm being tossed and torn through crashing seas..
And my faith can barely stand.

I eventually ended up on the phone with a good friend of mine.  I was trying to explain my feelings.  Trying to put my spiritual and emotional anguish into words.  And the more I talked through it, the more evident it became that I was under great spiritual attack.

It may sound strange to say this, but I have a lot of faith.
I really do.
I believe it's a spiritual gift I've been given.
And I love it.
I love faith.
I love how I have seen my faith grow and stretch.
Over the past several years, the enemy has intended to harm me.
He has sought to destroy my faith.
But, thanks to the LORD and the way HE has formed my spirit, the enemy has not succeeded.

To put it nicely, I'm thinking that's ticked him off a little bit.

The enemy has been at work this winter, trying to erode my faith.
He has seen that his big, dramatic efforts have only made me stronger.
So quietly, slowly, discretely, he has been making every effort to wear me down.

In a season I am found most vulnerable, the enemy has declared a quiet war on me.

I expressed these things over the phone:
He has made his attack, and he has weakened me substantially.
And for the first time… ever… I feel like…
I feel like I can't get a grip on my faith…
I'm not certain that I'm convinced HE is going to make it better…
I feel like I'm drowning.
And I'm not convinced HE is going to stop it.
I feel… alone… and abandoned.

It was in that moment
Speaking those last words
That it broke.

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The lie broke.
The trap broke.
The enemy's line snapped.

My spirit knew without a doubt, that the LORD my GOD would not abandon me.

I sat up straight, an intensity in my voice as I boldly declared the truth.
I am not abandoned!
My GOD is a GOD who saves!
And yes, I may be weak-- but it isn't my own strength that I rely on!
It's HIS strength!
And HIS strength is even stronger in my weakness!

Angry and determined, like that slight spark had unleashed a raging fire, I rose to my feet.
I was overcome.
Overcome with joy.
Overcome by grace.
Overcome with truth.

This, my friends, is how we overcome!!

And let me tell you, what the enemy intended for harm, the LORD got a hold of and brought about such beautiful good.  My senior high girls were at my apartment for our weekly Bible study just thirty minutes later, and I was able to share a beautiful victory story with them.  And together, we sifted through Psalm 91, Psalm 18, and many other powerful words of Truth that HE has left for us.  We allowed HIS Truth to pour over us.

You see, the LORD alone has the right to rule over my heart, mind, body, and soul.
The LORD alone is the ruler of my home and my life.
The SPIRIT is good to illuminate and expose the enemy's lies.
To remind me of the ONE I love and the extent of HIS Love for me.
The enemy may drag me into a pit, but my heart belongs to JESUS.
And HE fights for me.

"If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you… The LORD says, 'I will rescue those who love ME.  I will protect those who trust in MY Name.'"  Psalm 91:9,14

I feel a warrior spirit coming alive in me again.  I suddenly feel strong enough to stand back up and speak the Truth, not trusting my emotions but trusting in HIM.  HE is strength even in my weakness.  In HIM I will not be overcome by the enemy!  HE overcomes for me.