Tuesday, October 8, 2013

be with ME.

{this post was written yesterday at about 1:00pm.  it was typed today.}

So it's been about a month since my last post.  Oops.

As I write this, I'm on a solo retreat.
That's right.
Solo.
By myself.

I'm at a retreat center that I've been to several times in Sewanee, Tennessee.
It's absolutely beautiful here.
When I've come in the past, I've been with a group of girls for a Silent Retreat.
I know: that sounds like an oxymoron.  Girls.  Silent.
Sounds crazy, but it's true!  I always love a good silent retreat.

Due to babies born, moves made, and other various circumstances, the Silent Retreat wasn't being planned for this fall.  Let me tell you, I was desperately needing one.  I considered organizing one myself, but the thought of taking on that responsibility was overwhelming.
Just thinking through the details left me exhausted.
I needed peace.
I needed to be alone.
I needed rest.

So I booked myself a little one room cottage, and made plans to go on my own!

(Sidenote: I worried that my decision might seem a little bit selfish, especially to those who would have wanted to be a part of a silent retreat.  But I decided that it wasn't selfish.  It was self-aware.  Sometimes we have to do what we need to do for ourselves, so that we are able to be filled to continue to do what we need to do for others.  This is a concept that may one day require its own blog post.)

I've been here for about 22 hours at this point.

I've caught up in Daily Bible.  I've spent some time reading in The Jesus Storybook Bible while swinging in a magical little "bird cage basket swing."  (HE said to become like children, right?!)  I've gone on a hike and did some exploring.  I've been enjoying my quaint little cottage (which turned out to be a creepy little cottage when you're in it alone at night).  It's been a very pleasant retreat so far!

But a few minutes ago, as I was trying to get situated in my hammock, I couldn't fight the anxious feeling of discontentment.

I thought maybe I just didn't like the spot I was in, so I gathered my things and positioned myself in a sunny spot by the bluff.  As I took in the view, my mind continued wandering...
I could not seem to shake that anxious feeling.

Then I heard it.
Faintly.
The words turned slowly in my mind...

If you came looking for clues and answers, you may leave disappointed.

I let the words sit there.
Almost like I didn't want to pick them up.
Scared to hold them.
Not quite willing to claim them.

But they didn't go away.
They just quietly looked back at me.
I knew HE was right.

I'd retreated away in hopes of progress.
And clues.
And answers.
(So much for being okay with the ugly parts, huh?)

HE didn't bring me here for that.

Jenna, I brought you here simply to be with ME.
To remind you of some things you had forgotten.
So you could rest.
So you could have refuge and a little adventure.
Stop constantly seeking answers and progress.
Just be.
And just be with ME.

Even now as I write, I'm trying to release the hopes and expectations I carried with me to this place.
Breathe them out.
Loosen their grip.
And I'm breathing in the freedom.
The joy.
The peace.
The rest.
The simplicity of being.
Just as I am.
With HIM.

My word for this retreat seems to be remember.

HE's reminding me of a lot.
Each remembrance, breaking loose a cord that the enemy has been using to catch me...

I opened up my journal from this summer and started reading through my notes from July 17th: the Wednesday night of MYM Church Camp.  The notes are from a lesson that Matt Moore shared.

Here's what my notes say:

I ate the sandwich.  And I was still hungry.
The god of our age is consumerism.
Nothing fills us up...
We're empty.
What's the next thing?

What am I searching for to fill the hunger of my soul?

John 6 - JESUS feeds over 5,000.
The currency of heaven is abundance.

When you're with ME, you don't have to worry.  
Why are you looking for ME?
Cause I fed you.
You just want to be fed...
but I AM the bread of life.

(If my notes confuse you, read John 6 to see the context from which they come.)

This is what I do.
I take my consumeristic tendencies and make them "holy."
I go to GOD, knowing HE's got the answers.
And I want them.
HE's got what I crave.
And I'm hungry.

And HE looks at me and says:

Jenna, why are you looking for me?  
Cause I fed you?  
You just want to be fed...

Have you forgotten I AM the bread of life?
I AM the answer.
I AM all you need.
I AM enough.

If you came looking for clues and answers...
If you came today for progress, you may leave disappointed...

But if you came to be with ME...

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